What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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