um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
