I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
