I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
