I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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