Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I haven't been this sober since birth.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Randomize
