I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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