as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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