Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
