u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
