I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
