I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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