You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
