I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
