Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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