Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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