I hate your face
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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