Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
