Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
