Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
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Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize