the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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