also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
