Having a random hookup so left but love u
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
