Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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