Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
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He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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