Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
