Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
