I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
