if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
