she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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