I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize