I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
