More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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