Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
