If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
