I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
