dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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