I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
