gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
