my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
