you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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