OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
