and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
her facebook's as public as her vagina
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
