god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
