So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
