Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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