Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
