Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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