My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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