That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
