my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
