just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
