do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
