I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
