who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
