This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
