help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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