If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
