Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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