You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I currently don't understand fingers.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
